The Art of Forgiveness to Make You Whole

So the Art of Forgiveness

Forgive…To forgive is an action word not a feeling. The word forgiveness conjures up intense emotion for most people because most of us have at least one person in our lives that has “done the unforgivable.” We just don’t want to forgive them, don’t feel like forgiving them. We have intense feelings of dislike, disgust, and sometimes even hatred for this person.

The crazy thing is that this person may or may not even be aware of our feelings. Very few people ask for forgiveness, so who ever has done the offending, unless confronted with the reality that they have offended someone, has no idea that they have done something offensive. Then there is the person who may be so distorted in their thinking that they hurt people but have no concept of the pain that they cause. Even if they were confronted with the hurt, they might not ask for forgiveness or apologize.

With so many different situations that cause offense, you, a person dealing with the hurt, have to decide what is in your best interest. Obviously, someone hurt you or you wouldn’t be feeling bad every time you think of that person: feeling bad or mad, or sad, or any of a number of other feelings that come to the surface when you think of that person’s name or see their face.

Think about how much time, energy and emotion are tied up in this situation. How much sleep have you lost thinking about what that person did to you with no consequences? That is what you wanted them to have, right? Consequences. Don’t most people want an offending person to have consequences for their behavior? “They should pay!” That is the way we are raised. If you do something wrong, we should pay the consequences for our actions. So what if they have never paid the consequences? So what if they never got caught and there is nothing you can do about it? What if they never apologized and never will? What do YOU do?

What would you do if that person was standing in front of you at this moment? Would you slap them, yell at them, strike them? What consequences would you give them anyway? Would that take away your pain? If that person does receive consequences for their actions, does it take away your pain. You might be satisfied that they received their consequences, but does it really take away your pain? The answer is no. You know very well that the pain and hurt of their actions is not going to go away. Even if the person apologizes, it is not enough. To complete the process requires an action on your part.

That is where forgiveness comes in as an action …done in your best interest. You may never feel like forgiving another person, you may never forget what they did. However, to hang onto the hurt that person caused you really only has the effect of hurting you. The offending person obviously doesn’t seem to be hurting or the situation might have been resolved a long time ago. If they have apologized, then they have done the right thing already and done all that they can do. They might have peace in their heart that they have tried to correct the situation or make amends for the offense. But you still feel the pain. So what now?

This is where it is imperative to understand the example that was set for us through Jesus Christ. Do you think for one minute he felt like forgiving the people who nailed him to the cross? The same people that he ministered to, healed and did miracles for are the ones that screamed for him to be crucified. This is the ultimate in paying back evil for good. What good have you done for someone only for them to repay you with evil? In order to be relieved of this heart burden, because it is your heart burden, you have to be willing to be like Christ by forgiving a person or group of people because…you can. You don’t have to. But, you can.

Why should you? What happened to Jesus Christ when he forgave the people who crucified him? First he died in the flesh, then he was resurrected a new man in the flesh and in the spirit. He came back to life. Isn’t that what you need? To come back to life, to feel alive again after carrying this burden around for so long? Don’t you need to feel like a new human being and start over? That is the example Christ set for us, that is the GIFT He gives us: The promise of a new life in him. The ultimate example he gave us was to forgive those who didn’t even know what they had done. “Forgive them father, for they know not what they do.” He died and then was resurrected a new man.

So for today, forgive someone in your life who is apparently oblivious to what they have done. For someone who is aware that knows you’ve been holding a grudge, tell them you forgive them. For someone who has died or you know you will never meet again, write them a letter and tell them you forgive them. The act, because this is an action and not a feeling, of forgiving that person will allow the old grudge bearing person to die, and a new you to come alive. You will feel refreshed, you will feel brand new, and you will feel relieved even if you didn’t FEEL like forgiving. How much more time are you going to waste hurting yourself by hanging on to the hurt? Don’t waste another day of your life… you really are the only person suffering.

Still having difficulty? Perhaps you need Jesus to help you. If you have never accepted Jesus Christ into your life, you may not be able to do this on your own. Remember, we are not without sin in our own lives. We are not perfect no matter how hard we try to be good people. So, somewhere out there is someone we have offended and may not realize it either. Perhaps we feel we have offended God by our actions. Perhaps we feel we are not good enough to have God in our lives. The opposite could not be more true.

God did not send Jesus Christ to condemn us, but for us to be able to have a relationship with God. He knows our short comings. That is why Jesus set the ultimate example…forgive them…He asked God to forgive the people who crucified him, but he was asking God to forgive all of us because we do things everyday to offend other people and God whether we mean to or not. We do not have a perfect nature or the ability to be perfect every day. Only pay attention to the news to know that. So what do we do? We trust that Jesus Christ gave his life to pay the price – suffer the consequences – we deserve for all the things we do to hurt everyone else in our lives.

Accepting Christ into your life means understanding that he paid the price for your offenses when he died on the cross. After all, supposedly all he had ever done for anyone is to help them…what did he do to deserve to die? Nothing. After all those miracles the people wanted him to save himself and deliver himself off the cross. Isn’t that what most of us do? Get ourselves out of hot water? We don’t think about the people we leave behind as long as we get ourselves out of the mess. He could have taken himself off the cross or disappeared into the crowd again and not gotten caught as he had done before. But he willingly went to the cross because someone had to pay the ultimate penalty for every offense ever committed. If it hadn’t been Him, it would be you for your offenses or me for mine.

He paid the price for the things you’ve done wrong, and he has paid the price for the person who has offended you, too. He has already suffered on their behalf. Remember that even if they never suffer, he already suffered for them. If you can’t have compassion for that person, have compassion for Christ because he was willing to do that. Let him know you want that kind of life inside you. Let him know you want to be able to forgive like he did.

Simply say, “Jesus Christ, wow. What you did is beyond whatever I will ever be able to do. So I need you in my life to be able to do the things you have done. I accept you into my life and my heart. Thank you for suffering on my behalf so that I won’t have to, and thank you for suffering already for the person who has hurt me. Please forgive me for all the things I have done wrong in my life (name things you know are particularly weighty on your mind and heart). Take away that burden I feel for the things I know I have done to hurt other people. Help me to forgive the people who have hurt me.”

Then you need to tell Him that you forgive who ever it is that has hurt you. Simply say, “I don’t really feel like forgiving _______________, but I forgive him/her because you have forgiven me and already paid the price for both of us. As I forgive this person, please take the hurt out of my heart, let the hurting person die, and let me be renewed, refreshed, and recreated in your image. I don’t want to live with the pain any more. I want to live free of the pain with you in my life. I release that person into your hands, Jesus, to deal with them the way you choose because you have that right because you paid the price for all of us. Thank you for setting me free. I trust you to set me free.”

These words have to be real in your life. You have to live by them and not just say them like you are taking a pill. You have to let the words penetrate your heart, believe what you have done, and live by what you have done.

The next step is more difficult. Probably lots of people you know - know how long you have carried this burden and are likely to bring it up to you at one time or another. Your new challenge is to tell these people in your life that you have forgiven that person and will no longer hold a grudge or talk about the hurt. If they persist, you have to stand your ground. “I have forgiven them, and will no longer hold a grudge.” You have to do this in order for the old man not to come back and drag you down, or you will have to go through this forgiveness process all over again.

A True Story - Yes, the name has been changed.

Let me tell you a story. Niki was raped by a family member at a family event in a back bedroom with out any body knowing. He wore a ski mask and held her mouth shut so that her screams could not be heard by any one else. She was only eight years old, and bled a lot. She bled enough for someone to notice, but the person she told did not do anything about the situation. Her parents were never told; she was never comforted or taken to a doctor.

The consequences of this situation were that she had nightmares, flashbacks of the event at night in her own bedroom in her own house where she should have felt the safest. For ten years she was afraid of the dark, terrified to sleep with the light off, terrified to sleep anyway other than facing the door, and terrified to even go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. No one knew, so no one comforted her. She was afraid to tell anyone because she didn’t know what they would do.

Finally faced with growing up and going into the military, she was terrified that someone would eventually find out about her nightmares. She needed someone to confide in. She came to me and a little at a time told me the story. Finally being able to share the pain eased the hurt a little, but the nightmares did not go away, not until she completed the process of forgiveness. Do you think for one minute she wanted to forgive this person? NO!! She screamed and cried on the phone that she didn’t want to forgive them. But what would be the consequences of not forgiving that person? She would continue to have nightmares for the rest of her life. Reality? Had he ever apologized? NO. Did he ever act like he was sorry? NO. Did he seem to be hurting? NO. Who was hurting? She was.

She and I prayed on the phone first for the nightmares to go away. Success!! One full night with no terror and for the first time in ten years she could sleep without facing the door of her room. Step two? She had to forgive him so that there was no foothold, no reason for the nightmares to come back. She took that brave step to forgive a person who had never gotten caught, never seemed to have suffered for what he had done to her, and probably never will at least in this lifetime. But, the forgiveness was for her peace of mind, her renewal, her refreshing, and her new life. So we prayed. She sincerely forgave him in prayer through Christ and has not had one nightmare since then. She sleeps peacefully, no fear of the dark, turns the light off, gets up in the middle of the night, and has no issues in the military.

What did she do when she finally shared the situation with her family and everyone wanted to know who did it? She stood her ground knowing that God will take care of the situation and refuses to discuss it with anyone. She will not revisit the situation. She has forgiven. Though she may never forget completely what happened, she will not be reminded in her sleep.

Re-searching For Significance

I re-ordered this, one of my most favorite books, for two reasons. One, to share with friends and family all over again, and two, to reread it for myself.

It's interesting that before you hit "mid-life" you hear a lot about mid-life - especially the crises part, "mid-life crises". I don't know that it is a crises so much as a re-evaluation. Have I done everything I wanted to do? Am I on track to do the things I wanted to do? Are the things I wanted to do really what I want to do? What do I really want to do? Do the things I want to do really matter? Are they significant? How significant am I really? What am I best at? Could I be best at anything else? How will I be remembered? What will my legacy be and for whom will I leave it? Will I be a household name to be remembered by anyone other than my family?

It really is amazing to think about all the things that can go through your head at this time of your life. It does however come back to a Search for Significance.

The first time I read this book, I needed to know that I was important outside my own lack of self-esteem. I needed to know that I mattered. Why? Why not. Everyone needs to know that they matter to someone, mostly to yourself.

If you try to matter to someone other than yourself, when that person is no longer in your life - because that is possible through either death, divorce, or distance - then who do you matter to when they are gone?

The only person who never exits your personal reality is you. And if you believe in a higher power, greater being than yourself, creator, then their is at least two of you that care about your existence regardless of who else enters or exits your life.

So how significant are you if you haven't done all those things you set out to do when you were young and couldn't be told "no you can't"? How significant are you to yourself? Where do I stand now with myself?

How significant are you if you did do all those things, but still aren't happy, fulfilled, or successful? What do you do then? Is accomplishing all "your" goals the answer? What if you've tried to do all those things you wanted to do, and it just "never worked out" quite the way you planned? What then?

These are the questions that go through your head in this mid-life period of time. I'm quite convinced this is why so many people, change careers, change "families" or family situations, why men buy sports cars, and women ...well not quite sure what women do. Mostly, I think they wonder "What did I do wrong?" ...and spend a lot of time trying to figure out the answer.

So Searching for Significance has a different meaning for everyone.

HOWEVER, ...

Info Links

I have added the Google Search Engine to make it easier to search for more information on topics I cover in the blog. For instance, if you want more information on the book, "The Search For Significance", you can Google Amazon.com straight from the site and a new window will pop up.

Hope you enjoy the new feature:)

In the Beginning...was this little book called "The Search for Significance"

After I had become a Christian, and my life still seemed to be falling apart, somehow I got a hold of a copy of the book "The Search for Significance" by Robert McGee. It is still available and can be ordered online through Amazon.

That little book helped me as a Christian realize who I was in God's eyes...not a sinner, not a worm, not as insignificant as we all can feel at times. It helped me realize my position in Christ through scripture. McGee also refers to games people play in order to feel better about themselves regardless of how it hurts others or hurts oneself in the process. Through it I could identify attitudes and actions I had taken in my own life and how those things impacted my relationships.

Once I began operating from a perspective of my significance in Christ, and started putting a stop to how I REACTED to people and started acting by choosing my actions based on my own feelings of self worth and actions based on what Christ would do, my relationships changed significantly.

I will tell you that if you are used to manipulating your spouse or children and you like getting your way through guilt trips, power plays, blame games, or fault finding...don't read the book. It's not for you. If you have an overly developed sense of self worth - meaning you think you are better than others....don't read the book. That's like suggesting you learn to live like Christ... if you like being in control...of yourself and others... don't read the book.

This book is only for people who want to have a realistic sense of who they are through scripture with guilt and game playing... I learned that game playing requires more than one player, and as soon as I quit playing, the game stopped. Some people like game playing, some people like perpetual high school-like drama. Not me. I have liked growing up.

In its place I have learned to develop relationships with people that are genuine - genuine friendships, genuine family relationships - especially with my sons, genuine relationships with my students and athletes. When you have a sense of self confidence, and don't need to play games with people in order to control or manipulate them, they begin to trust you. Trust is an incredible ally in your character, for yourself and for others. When people trust you, you can take a friendship to the next level...talk about what is real and significant...and shoot the breeze about your favorite teams or talk shows...but at least be prepared for complete strangers to tell you what they have never told anyone because they sense they can trust you.

Don't try to fake it. Be Shrek; peel back the layers, learn to like yourself when you look in the mirror. Start by discovering who you are to your maker. You will be surprised how highly He regards you - made in His image.

Next, learn to forgive...